Not Another Twilight FanFiction
by theenvylover
Summary: A clumsy Bella, a perfect Edward, Jacob the rapist, you've seen it all before but not in this extent. The product when you take the average of all of the other FanFictions on the site. Of course Flames are always welcomed and laughed at.
1. Not Another Character Listing

**Because i didn't have enough "Not Another" stories  
**i made another  
:D  
this one is attacking the whole broad range of Fanfictions and i hope to address each type in individual chapters  
but that won't happen  
because i have too many stories going at once...  
i think i have commitment issues...  
...  
anyways,  
let's start off by introducing the characters!

-the**envy**lover

**Not Another Twilight FanFiction**

This story begins in the Cullen household. Here we meet a snobby Rosalie…

"I'm too good for you," Rosalie announces as she turns and walks away, nose in air.

…a stupid Emmett…

"Pi are square?" Emmett asks, staring into the distance. "I thought Pi are round."

…an unimportant Jasper…

"Oh woe is me," Jasper says as he crawls into a ball in his favorite dark corner, never to be heard from again.

…an over enthusiastic Alice…

"DidyouknowthatwhenItalkreallyfasteverybodycanbarelyunderstandme?" Alice asks as she jumps up and down. "Wellit'strue! It'sreallyreallyreally_really_true! Ohemgee_shopping_!"

…a secretly mischievous Carlisle…

"Wouldn't it be funny if I change peoples' brains while they're sleeping?" Carlisle asks himself. "That sounds dandy!"

…an Esme that is more unimportant than Jasper and has anger spats…

"Silly Carlisle, you know it's not nice tO cHAngE PeOPle'S brains..." Esme kindly screams.

…and of course, the ever popular Edward who is perfect in every way, shape, and form.

"Why, I'm perfect in every way, shape, and form," Edward proclaims as he stands in the center of the room.

Of course no Twilight FanFiction is complete without the help of…

…Bella the helpless romantic…

"I love Edward," Bella says as she trips over flat ground. Again.

…and Jacob the idiot mutt who is often mistaken for a date rapist.

"So baby, how'd you little to go for a ride in my car?" Jacob asks Bella as she trips over something else.

'Mistaken.'

_Right_…

There are other characters but they are unimportant at this moment and will be announced later, if at all.

"But I want to be announced _now!_" a whiney Aro complains.

"Who cares what you want?" an angry Marcus shoots back.

"It's okay," soothes Caius, Aro's love slave.

Now that _that's_ over with, onto our story!

* * *

any ideas?  
seriously,  
i have none.  
at all.  
whatsoever.  
it's not like all of my other stories where at least i _think_ i know what's going to happen  
i don't for this.  
i was thinking about it in bed like an hour ago then suddenly jumped onto my computer and started typing  
tips for beginners-  
don't do that.  
plan your stories.  
it makes it easier.  
now to go follow my own advice...

reviews would be loved and adored like things that are loved and adored

-the**envy**lover


	2. Not Another Truth or Dare

**I hated writing this chapter**  
my brain hurts.  
:(

-the**envy**lover

**Not Another Twilight FanFiction**

Today we find the Cullens doing one of their favorite activities; Truth or Dare.

This is usually characterized by an ever-enthusiastic Emmett and Alice, a Jasper who feels like his manhood is being threatened, and, of course, a clumsy Bella.

Truth or Dare always seems to happen when Edward is conveniently hunting or otherwise far enough away so that he can not help the damsel in distress (in this case either Bella or Jasper) when she needs it most. Edward is usually hunting with Rosalie who would usually bring down the fun with her pig-headedness. And of course, Carlisle and Esme are not even mentioned because nobody cares about them.

Shall we begin?

"Boy, it sure is boring around here," Emmett says as he collapses onto the couch. Alice sits next to Bella on a separate couch and Jasper sits in his corner wallowing in his self-pity.

"Edward and Rosalie sure are taking a long time hunting," Bella states as she looks out the window and thinks about the boy who left her only three minutes ago.

"Iknow!" Alice squeals as she jumps up and down. "Wecanplaytruthordare! Wehaven'tplayeditsincelastnightandIknowyouwanttobecauseIsawitinavisionnowlet'splay!"

_If I don't play then Emmett will make fun of me again for not being as manly as he is_ Jasper says in his own little monologue. _I don't want to be poked again. _"That sounds—"

Jasper is- as always- cut off and ignored.

"That sounds good!" Emmett says for lack of a better word. "Let's play!"

Emmett and Alice join hands and bounce up and down like bunnies on speed.

Emmett stops suddenly and points a dramatic finger at Bella. Before he can speak Alice interrupts him.

"Ialreadysawwhatyou'regoingtodareherinavisionbecauseIhavevisionsofthefutureandicandothat!!!!! IalreadygotallofthesuppliesweneedbecauseIliketoshop!!!!!! BoydoIliketoshopandseefutures!!!!" Alice jumps around, arms flailing, before shooting up the stairs and returning with a box.

"What is in _there?_" Bella asks cautiously. "Is it my beloved Edward?"

"No,it'syourdare!!!" Alice exclaims. She pulls out a giant banana costume, marshmallows, a slinky, a tuba, a cobra, several Travelocity lawn gnomes, a blow up doll, a dictionary, and a feather.

"What's the feather for?" Bella asks cautiously. Heaven forbid her to do anything that would make her look _stupid_…

"I'lltellyouwhenwegetinthecar!!!!" Alice squeals

Four Hours Later

"Wow, that was interesting" Jasper says. It doesn't matter because nobody even noticed he was there.

"Wow," Emmett repeats, "that was interesting!"

"You'rerightEmmett!!!" Alice squealed. "Myfavoritepartwasthefeather!!!!Itreallywas!!!!Itreallyreallyreallyreallyreallywas!!!!"

God, she's annoying.

"Now it's your turn!" Bella says to Jasper as she picks dried whip cream out of her hair.

"No," Emmett answers her. "We no do another 'til next chappie."

"Will Edward be there?" Bella asks.

"No," Jasper answers her.

"Well, will he?" she asks Alice, not hearing Jasper.

"No,wejustcan'tdoanotherdareuntilthenextchapterbecauseweneedthisstorytogoonforeverandeverandeverandever…" Alice says in a single, high-pitched breath. "Andnextit'sgoingtobeevenmoreinterestingbecauseiknowbecauseicanseeintothefutureandialreadywentshoppingsoyoudon'tevenneedtodoanythingbecauseboydoilikeshoppingandseeingthefuture!!!!"

"I miss Edward," Bella replies as she stares blankly out of the window.

* * *

**so  
**i found the first part of this already done and decided to wrap it up really quickly.  
there is no way in hell i will ever do another one of those

i wonder what's next...  
what else is there?

-the**envy**lover

ps.  
please go review JABADS,  
i want it to surpass NABADS before i start the next chapter...  
(this is the only time i will ever, _ever_ not get pissy at reviews like "good chapter" and "update soon")

thank yew!!!


	3. Not Another Story Fanfic's Fanfic

**so,  
**i'm sorry that i haven't been on like,  
at all.  
but i had to post this  
:D  
thank you to lemon-of-the-tent for writing this entire chapter  
(i didn't even change the spelling)  
:D

-the**envy**lover

Then next chapter should be about how Bella runs off with Jacob the rapist  
(he tells her that he has Edward trapped in a box which holds him in there by  
his perfectness) and then there is some sort of heroic feat to save her, while  
she sits around doing nothing. In fact, she's dead. Anyway, Edward comes at  
the last minute, making her NOT dead, in fact, and then Alice and Emmett beat  
up Jacob (because they are like a team and very close and really together, and  
their loving partners do not matter because Alice and Emmett are way cooler),  
but dont kill him, because Stephenie Meyer loves Jacob too much to kill him  
and she's being a tad selfish about it. (It's like when someone has a pet dog  
that goes around killing people, but the owner wont get it put down or sent to  
the ponud because they like it a bit too much.) Anyway, Jacob gets beat up,  
but he's still in love with Bella anyway. Bella and Edward have a  
semi-romantic, yet not sexually satisfying reunion, and then someone spills  
some soda (there is soda) and Esme flips out and loses control. Also, Jasper  
is really there the whole time but he's just sitting in the corner, saying  
really intelligent things but no one is listening because it's Jasper and not  
someone who isn't Jasper, therefore he will not be payed attention to. Then,  
finally, they will all go back to the Cullen's house and eat pie, because  
vampires can really only eat blood AND pie. Bella will be there, because she  
doesn't go home anymore (Charlie is a child abuser) and Rosalie will say  
something rude to her and everyone will go "That Rose!" in an endearing manner  
and she'll sneer as she goes upstairs to her evil chambers.

Then Jacob will be there at the end and he'll die anyway.

Regards  
Lemon


End file.
